Why grief is (not) a dirty word

It took me 20 years to experience my first real, significant loss. It was my grandfather, but it was not his physical death that I mourned. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, but the diagnosis merely made official what many of us suspected for sometime. He became withdrawn. Quiet. The confused look on his face unmistakable yet unfamiliar. It's these things, and the loss the grandfather we knew that Psychologist and grief expert Therese Rando calls Psychosocial (or 'symbolic') loss.

They call this a psychosocial loss because it relates to the psychological aspects of a person's social interactions. In other words, it was a loss of something deemed symbolic of our relationship - in this case the loss a role model, confidant and friend.

Alas, to experience grief is to be human.

Cast your mind back to when you were a child, what is your earliest memory of grief? For most people, their first experience with feelings of loss is their family pet. For us adults, however, just as much as we can grieve the real, physical loss of a loved one we can also grieve over the loss of important aspects of our life such as a job. We grieve over the loss of these things because of what they represent. These 'primary' losses can then trigger subsequent (or 'secondary') losses such as loss of income to support a family, loss of self confidence or even the loss of the relationships built with colleagues. So, you see, grief is not linear nor is it easily understood because it is different for everybody based on the nature of loss, their personal values and beliefs, the level of support they receive, and the socio-economic conditions they find themselves in.

We can, and do, experience grief over losing just about anything that we deem to be important enough to us. The fact of the matter though, is whilst the length and intensity of grief can vary and are important to monitor, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

"Grief is a reaction to all kinds of losses, not just death. Grief is based upon your unique, individualistic perception of the loss" - Therese Rando

Whether it is a loss of a job, a pet or even a limb...these experiences, albeit difficult, have the potential to shape the beliefs and attitudes that underpin our 'assumptive world'. How, you ask? These periods of adversity shake the foundations of our lives. They rattle us to the extent where we are forced to re-assess what is important, what really matters, what is our place in the world and our sense of justice (right and wrong). This process is commonly referred to in grief psychology as our 'meaning making' process and is the 'silver lining' to any significant loss. As we grow older, the reality of loss hits us and it is both heartbreaking and confusing at the same time. Heartbreaking in it's inevitability, and confusing because it is extremely hard to make sense of. But you will.

In the words of Sean, the charismatic Psychologist from Good Will Hunting, "you will have bad times, but that will wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to".

What has your grief taught you?