From Grief to Growth: How the Brain Heals After Loss

Grief has long been a subject of interest to neuroscientists interested in de-mystifying the relationship between brain function, emotional experience, social interactions, and physical health. But despite this interest, we only know about 10% of how the brain processes grief.

Michael Briggs

5/24/20242 min read

a close up of a coral with a blue background
a close up of a coral with a blue background

We don’t like to be reminded of it, but there is no escaping loss. As author William Goldman describes in his celebrated work ‘The Princess Bride’, “Life is pain, highness. Anybody that says different is selling something”. The grief we feel from a significant loss can be unlike any other. In fact, emotional pain involves the same brain regions as physical pain, suggesting the two are inextricably connected.

Grief has long been a subject of interest to neuroscientists interested in de-mystifying the relationship between brain function, emotional experience, social interactions, and physical health. But despite this interest, we only know about 10% of how the brain processes grief

In her pioneering work ‘On Death and Dying’, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross defined what is known as the ‘stages of grief’ (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) but this tells only part of the story. Instead, neuroscience teaches us that grief can best be described as a motivational process. We are motivated, through our grief, to ‘seek out’ and satisfy our desire to reconnect. As Mary Francis-O’Connor, an Associate Professor at the University of Arizona, explains in Craving love? Enduring grief activates brain’s reward centregrief lights up the very same locations of the brain associated with motivation, craving and pursuit. Of course, we may experience some or all of Kubler-Ross’ ‘stages’, but the process of moving through grief is more of an active process than first thought.

If this sounds strange to you, consider for a moment what it would feel like to experience extreme thirst only to have a chilled glass of water always out of reach. No matter how hard you try to grasp it, you can’t. This is what renowned American neuroscientist, podcaster and Stanford Professor Andrew Huberman describes goes some way toward explaining the physiological (the body’s reaction to emotion) experience of the pain of loss. Confusion, torment, despair are some of the words that come to mind.

Francis-O’Connor’s study also highlights that, in grief, we are motivated to behave in ways that lead us to believe our loved one/s are still here. Put another way, the brain regions related to motivation, craving, and pursuit require a resolution and so we make predictions about where (proximity) and how long (time) it would take to reach the deceased. We do this not through current perceptions of ‘proximity’ and ‘time’, but through a now outdated understanding of our real-world connection to those we have lost, and we base this primarily on the rich database of experiences we have shared (something referred to as ‘episodic memory’). Interestingly, our brains tend to prioritise episodic memory over new information due to the sheer volume and the intensity of our motivational drive to reconnect.

To ‘accept’ loss is therefore a representation of our capacity to integrate new information adaptively
(‘meaning making’) whilst preserving our attachment, not suppressing it. If we can do this, and reduce our reliance on outdated memory that often torments us with unrealistic predictions and expectations, we are on our way. Remember, you are stronger than you think.

Spirited Therapy provide person-centred and trauma-informed counselling services to adults and couples in-person or online. If this topic has interested you, or you struggle with grief yourself, please contact Michael via www.spiritedtherapy.com.au